My Biggest Lesson From 10 Years of Sobriety
In January of next year I will be sober for 10 years. That means no drugs, no alcohol, no mind altering substances of any kind. 10 years is a long time. I’m only 33 so I’ll be sober for almost ⅓ of my life and pretty much 100% of my adult life.
I’m not saying this to toot my own horn, I’m saying this to let you know that I have a few skills that I can teach you.
You don’t make a life changing decision like stopping drug use and stick with it without developing some serious skills along the way. Skills that will help you change, stick to that change and to build a better version of yourself.
You can get rid of whatever’s holding you back if you’re willing to work to develop the skills you need. There’s a great quote from Charles Bronson (the prisoner not the actor):
“Do you remember that boy who got his foot stuck in the grate, and the river kept rising, and it kept rising, and it kept rising, and eventually they tried to get him out but he drowned? Well that wouldn't have happened to me. Do you want to know why? Because I'd have said, cut it off now”
If you’re genuinely trying to change sometimes you have to learn how to cut a piece of yourself off.
So honestly if you’re sick of your self imposed bullshit: listen. If not, just skip this, it’s not for you.
Today I’m going to talk about the single most important skill that I’ve developed. It’s a skill that will help you beat anxiety and also a skill that will help you maintain composure even in really tough situations.
The skill is to simply worry about what you can control.
Control the control-ables.
That sounds easy and it sounds a little bit trite, but honestly that simple sentence is one that will change your life if you take it to heart and start trying.
It’s not going to be easy, especially in this bullshit year of 2020 where everyone is trying to argue with you in person and online. But nothing worth having is going to come easy.
I learned this lesson very harshly.
I was 23 when I got sober. All my friends were still drinking, doing drugs and smoking pot. So if I wanted to see them I had to go to a bar. I had to go to their house as they passed a bong around. I had to go tailgate Phillies games with them as they got shitfaced.
At first it bothered me.
I wondered why the world didn’t stop at my command. Why were these people who cared about me putting me in this situation?
I thought they were assholes.
After a little bit I realized that I was the asshole.
What kind of entitlement is it to demand that others change their behavior to comfort you?
After all, their behavior wasn’t weird. It’s expected and normal for 23 year old kids to party. My behavior was weird. It’s weird and abnormal for 23 year old kids to get addicted to opiates and then go totally sober.
Everything got a lot easier when I realized that I couldn’t, and I shouldn’t even try to control their behavior.
The only thing I could control in these situations was MY behavior and MY reaction.
For me to change and grow I had to surrender my controlling instinct. I had to focus solely on myself. Once I did, all my anxiety about those situations went away.
Would there be drugs at the party? Probably. What do I care? I don’t do drugs.
Would everyone be drunk at the Phillies game? Probably. What do I care? I don’t drink.
In my head I said “fuck this” and took my power back. It didn’t matter what my environment was. I was in control of myself and that was all I needed to thrive.
When you worry about things you can’t control you give your power over to the situation. When you worry about controlling yourself you take it right back.
Can you imagine how much less stress you would have if you only focused on what you could ACTUALLY control? If you didn’t focus on arguing about masks on facebook? If you didn’t focus on whether or not people liked you? Imagine how much mental space you would clear up.
Hint: it’s a lot.
If you’re feeling anxious right now, you’re not alone. You’re anxious because 2020 is proof that you can’t control a damn thing in the world. You can’t control the spread of viruses and you can’t control rioting.
2020 is like being on an airplane piloted by a cow. You know it’s flying, but you’re not sure how long it will last and you’re not sure if you’re going to land or crash.
The only way you will develop this skill is to keep it in the front of your mind. When you’re trying to change your instincts will work against you. You think that you need to control everything around you.
However that’s not the truth. Everything around you is a test. For you to pass the test you need to make yourself stronger, you don’t need to make everyone else different.
