Radiohead, Imposter Syndrome and How To Disappear Completely
In 1997 Radiohead released OK Computer and became the biggest band in the world.
They went from opening for (worse) bands in small-fish arenas to headlining the biggest venues in the world in a span of a few short months.
They couldn’t go anywhere without the press hounding them.
The “Paranoid Android” video played almost every half hour on MTV.
They were being hailed as the saviors of rock music.
And their singer Thom Yorke couldn’t take it.
He felt like an imposter.
He felt unworthy.
He felt the pressure of expectations crushing him.
And he fell into an abyss of depression.
On the OK Computer tour he would perform, then go back to his hotel room and turn all the lights off.
Night after night.
About halfway through the European leg of the tour Yorke’s depression got so bad that he nearly quit the band on stage.
“That’s it I can’t take it anymore” he noted in an interview years later.
The voice in his head that started as a whisper had grown to become louder than the crowds he was playing to every night.
The voice that told him he wasn’t good enough.
That he didn’t deserve this.
That told him that everything was going to crash at any moment, and that the pressure would kill him.
When he was in the darkest pit of his depression he reached out to Michael Stipe, the lead singer of REM.
Michael gave him a complex piece of advice.
“Pull the shutters down and say ‘I’m not here. This isn’t happening.’”
Now to be honest I’m not sure what Stipe’s intent was in giving this advice.
But this is how I interpret it.
Michael wasn’t telling Thom to ignore everything that was around him.
He wasn’t telling him to wish away the situation and disconnect.
He was telling him that the voice screaming all those lies in his head was not him.
“I’m not here.”
I am not contained within this voice feeding this darkness and sadness into my mind.
An imposter had taken over and Thom hadn’t fought it, so he was confusing the imposter’s thoughts for his own.
This imposter voice was creating situations in Thom’s head that weren’t based in reality.
They were based on the bad voice in his head’s purposeful misinterpretation of the situation.
“This isn’t happening.”
These situations and pressures Thom was so sure he was experiencing weren’t based on the reality of where he was. They were based on anxieties that were said, then fed then written into permanent stories in his mind.
That voice in his head that made him sink into a deep depression wasn’t Thom- it was a version of Thom. It was a weak version of Thom that only existed because Thom let it exist. He didn’t exert himself on his anxieties, he didn’t confront his fears.
Thom was allowing it to happen.
Now think about it like this.
If someone else told you that you should be sad because you don’t deserve what you worked for, that you were going to fail and that all the praise you were receiving wasn’t earned.
You would probably tell them to shut up.
Or worse. And rightfully so.
Yet..
You say those things to yourself constantly.
You probably have a voice in the back of your head pumping fear into every crevice of your mind.
“This is all going to go away. This is going to fail. I’m an imposter in this situation, it’s only a matter of time until everyone finds out.”
And you allow it...
Why is it that you defend yourself against others?
But you don't defend yourself against your own thoughts?
The funny thing is...
It's been proven multiple times that your thoughts and words about yourself have a direct manifestation on your body and your mind.
There is an often replicated psychological study in which two groups of college kids are given a multiple choice test. The subject matter changes, sometimes it’s a literature test, sometimes it’s a history test and so on. The tests ask exactly the same questions, and only differ in the verbiage of the answers.
The first test’s answers use language and words that we associate with being young.
The second test’s answers were the exact opposite, it used language that we associate with being elderly.
The experimenters weren’t measuring the scores of the test. Once the test was complete they would measure the time it took for each group to reach the end of the hallway once they exited the classroom.
The result was the same every time.
The group which took the test associated with being elderly took a significantly longer time to reach the end of the hallway.
The elderly language group allowed thoughts and ideas to be planted in their heads by the very language they consumed. They didn’t fight the ideas and thoughts so the thoughts were allowed to manifest.
And those words and thoughts affected their physical being.
So here's my challenge for you.
If you find yourself talking shit on yourself, putting yourself down or doubting yourself over anything.
Treat that shitty internal monologue like it's someone else.
Like it's an imposter.
And tell it to fuck itself.
“I’m not here.”
If you allow the imposter in you to take control it will ruin everything. You’ll allow it’s lies to be woven into the fabric of your brain, and you’ll start believing them.
“This isn’t happening.”
Then you’ll start acting as if those lies are the truth.
And they’re not.
The first step to solving a problem is admitting there is a problem, and so many of us have this negative feedback loop in our head yet do nothing to correct it.
The only way to correct a loop is to cut it off.
The next time you feel a negative thought or idea start to form in your head.
Tell yourself “I’m not here.”
That voice isn’t you. It’s the worst version of yourself.
“This isn’t happening.”
Is the situation you're facing the truth? Or is it simply a manifestation of the lie you told yourself?